Mental Health: Three Things We Must Know

Self-esteem, positivity, and emotional resilience are foundational behavioral attributes of good psychological health. Like other behaviors, these attributes can be developed and improved with practice.  However, they all depend upon a critical skill, emotional self-regulation.

Three questions offer insight into the concept of emotional self-regulation: 1) What are emotions?,  2) Where do emotions come from?, and 3) How can we make them better?

We must have satisfactory answers to these questions if we are to sustain emotional health and well-being over time.  Put simply, we will not be able to fix our sagging emotions, poor self-worth, or our anxiety or depression if we do not know how to  properly regulate our emotions.  Most important, we will not know or create enduring happiness without this knowledge .

Think about your answers, and see how they align with what I have written below:


1) What are emotions?  Emotions arise from cortical and subcortical neural activity in our brains.   States of emotional arousal produce neurochemical and physiological changes and sensations that we experience as feelings or emotions.  We experience many kinds of emotion: anger, joy, fear, excitement.  Emotions highlight what we like and what we don't like.  Some push us forward while others hold us back.

2) Where do emotions come from? Emotions come from us, from our brain.  Emotions are generated by our thinking, not by the world around us.  Scary thoughts generate scared feelings. Thoughts of delight bring on positive feelings.  Our appraisal of our world determines how we feel about it.

3) How can we make them better?  You may or may not be able to improve the world around you. However, you always have the option of improving the way you think about it.  To feel better about your world, you can make yourself change the way you think. When  you think right, you feel right!

Quite Possibly The Most Important Idea For Happiness & Emotional Health

I am so grateful that one of my clients recently reminded me of something she tells herself whenever she needs to regain her emotional composure.  I was blown away by the insightfulness of her thinking and told her so.  She said, "Well I learned this from you."  I want to pass along the essence of this extremely important idea while protecting her confidentiality. 

Paraphrasing what she said, she tells herself, "I feel the way I think. So when I want to feel better, I must correct the way I am thinking." And for me, that pretty much sums it all up: We only feel as well as we think. No better, no worse, no ifs, and no buts. Our happiness and mental health are forever determined by how well we apply this idea, so let's all get good at it!

Creating Greater Happiness & Emotional Health:  Because life doesn't offer the help we need, many of us struggle with happiness. But those who desire a happier and healthier life can create it.  My passion is working with people who have this desire.. 

The desire for a happy and healthy life moves us forward. We can learn the best ways to build strong self-esteem, the best ways to overcome problems with anxiety, depression and addiction, and the best ways to experience happier relationships over our lifetime.  By gaining this knowledge, we not only create a better world for ourselves, but also for our friends and family, and for the world around us.

As a cognitive-behavioral psychologist for more than three decades now, my experience shows that with the right tools we can readily learn how to elevate and maintain emotional well-being and happiness. I invite you to discover many of the essential tools right here at the Think Right, Feel Right Blogoscope.

Defeating Negative Thinking: The Trouble With Using Thought Stopping

Thought stopping is a popular technique that is used to curb negative thinking and emotion. For instance, If I tell myself to stop thinking "I really  hate going to the dentist office," I will probably feel less distressed about going to the dentist. That's because I stopped the troubling thought.  However, although this technique may help, it is not a panacea.

The trouble with thought stopping is that it does not really get rid of the trouble—we still have the upsetting thought in our head.  As long as we still believe awful thoughts about visiting the dentist, we will be in for a lot  more trouble and more thought stopping. Thought stopping only provides a temporary fix.  If we want a lasting solution, we have to replace our disturbing thoughts with better ones.  A useful technique for for doing this is called cognitive restructuring.  I will post more on cognitive restructuring.

Creating Greater Happiness & Emotional Health:  Because life doesn't offer the help we need, many of us struggle with happiness. But those who desire a happier and healthier life can create it.  My passion is working with people who have this desire.. 

The desire for a happy and healthy life moves us forward. We can learn the best ways to build strong self-esteem, the best ways to overcome problems with anxiety, depression and addiction, and the best ways to experience happier relationships over our lifetime.  By gaining this knowledge, we not only create a better world for ourselves, but also for our friends and family, and for the world around us.

As a cognitive-behavioral psychologist for more than three decades now, my experience shows that with the right tools we can readily learn how to elevate and maintain emotional well-being and happiness. I invite you to discover many of the essential tools right here at the Think Right, Feel Right Blogoscope.

Helping People Who Want To Be Happier And Healthier.

Because life doesn't offer the help we need, we struggle with happiness. But with the right help, I believe that all of us can be happier and healthier in our relationships—both with ourselves and with others.  My passion is helping those who desire greater happiness.

The desire to be happier can move us forward.  We can learn the best ways to to build strong self-esteem, the best ways to overcome problems with anxiety, depression and addiction, and the best ways to experience happier relationships over our lifetime.  By gaining this knowledge, we not only create a better world for ourselves, but also for our friends and family, and for the world around us.

As a cognitive-behavioral psychologist for more than three decades now, my experience shows that with the right tools we readily learn how to elevate and maintain emotional well-being and happiness. I invite you to discover many of the essential tools right here at the Think Right, Feel Right Blogoscope.

Dial Back On The Political Vitriol

Our political pot has reached the boiling point. Fueled by mounting social and economic fears, a widening divide between liberals and conservatives and rampant zealotry, the conduct of our political campaigns has sunk to unsavory lows. This political season, almost anything goes. Day after day, we find ourselves surrounded by shameless half-truths, character assassinations and political diatribe driven by a win-at-any-cost fervor. The news cycle seizes upon and intensifies the discord. We get drawn into the degrading fracas.

Not in a good way, we become part of the problem. When those "on the other side" denigrate our values, we set aside the rules of civility and go on the attack. By descending into the same biased and ill-mannered behavior that we see in our political candidates, just like them we provoke conflict rather than reasoned discourse. We become part of the ill-tempered political drama that swirls around us. We become like them.

Yes, our values are precious to us, but that doesn't mean we are justified or well-served to throw away the rule book because others are. Civility and respect are always important. Emulating the ravaging political demeanor of this election cycle when our values are challenged brings no good. We feel and act better when we stand for what we believe in without the vitriol.

The inspiration for this site: I believe all of us can gain the skills for emotional health and happiness.  My passion is offering help to those who share this vision.  We can learn the ways to defeat anxiety, depression, and addiction and build strong self-esteem, positivity and happiness over a lifetime.  By gaining these critical life skills, we create a better world for ourselves and the world around us. 

My experience as a cognitive-behavioral psychologist for more than three decades now shows that, when given the right tools, people readily learn how to elevate and maintain emotional well-being and happiness. You can learn about many of the essential tools right here, at the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope. 

My vision here: I believe we can all learn the secrets of emotional health and happiness.   We can defeat troubling conditions such as anxiety, depression and addiction, and empower strong self-esteem, positivity and happiness over a lifetime.  My passion is helping others who share this vision.  

Experience gained from my 30+ years practice in cognitive-behavioral psychology shows that, when given the right tools, people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional health and happiness.  At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find  practical tools and information for achieving these goals . 

Curbing Our #Anxiety About #Terrorism: Sadly, A Message That Needs Repeating

As the wave of terror continues to inflict physical and psychic pain in the world around us, we must find ways to cope with these new threats.  In this context, I feel that my earlier post on managing terrorism anxiety bears repeating.

The upsurge of global #terrorism, underscored now by yet more horrific acts of terror here in Orlando and in #Nice yesterday, evokes not only our deep sadness and compassion but also our fears.  Unending and alarming news coverage about these events remind us again and again that the world we live in can be a scary and dangerous place.  Terrorism and our relentless absorption in its aftermath, worsen anxiety.

No doubt many are feeling vulnerable and anxious right now. We naturally become frightened and aroused when we sense danger. Feeling anxious in times like these is certainly understandable. However, we do not want to stay stuck there.  Anxiety is a mobilizing state of alarm, it is not a state to stay in. 

Uncertainty fuels anxiety and, there are many things about our physical world that are uncertain: bounty, scarcity, health, illness, political stability, life, death, to name a few.  As much as we might wish otherwise, we have limited control over many of life's vagaries.  While we seek to make tomorrow a safer and better place, we live and move forward in a world that presents us with uncertainty about health, financial security, droughts, hurricanes, and now, terrorism. 

The key point for you is this:  At best, you have limited control over the uncertainty in the world around you.  However, and importantly, you absolutely can control uncertain thinking about it. When you dwell on risk and uncertainty, you cause anxiety. When you halt this worrisome, "what if" thinking, you stop it.

To get an even better grip on terrorism anxiety, remind yourself that your chances of actually being the victim of a terrorist attack are extremely low, less than your chances of being struck by lightning. Therefore, aimless worry over terror is useless.  Yes, take reasonable precautions, but also take charge over the real culprit behind worry and anxiety: eliminate counterproductive, "what-if," thinking about life's uncertainties. Curbing our anxious thinking about terrorism helps.

Why Our Relationships Are Failing: #Brexit and Beyond

Why are so many of our important #relationships faltering?  We keep hearing about spouses and partners in "committed" relationships who become disenchanted with each other and pull up stakes. We see other troubling parallels. Our elected officials generally ignore the views of the other party. They stubbornly advocate their party line doctrines no matter what the costs and no matter what the "other side" wants.  Elected officials can't split up the way couples do, so they just go on fighting and ignoring one another.  Good working relationships across the aisle are in steep decline,

The news cycle gives us 24 hour reminders that important political relationships are in turmoil, here and around the world. Witness #Brexit, Great Britain's decision to sever ties with the European Union. Will others follow suit?  Is the European Union about to unravel?  The Middle East is coming apart at the seams.  And what about the troubles brewing right here in this election cycle?  Everyone casting aspersions.  Donald Trump threatening to sever his relationship with the Republican party if he doesn't get his way.  Relations within and between political parties have reached an all time, unsavory low.  We say we want unity, but we pounce upon whatever gets in our way. We are becoming more divisive and divided.

Chief among the reasons why our relationships are falling apart is our increasing reluctance to listen to or care about concerns beyond our own.  We find it easy to see what is really important to us, but difficult to see things the way others do.  Too often, our point of view trumps theirs.  We dismiss what they are saying because it does not fit our agenda, with what we want.

We are slow to see that their viewpoints are as important to them as ours are to us.  Undervaluing the concerns of others drives others away and dooms our relationships with them.  Axiomatic, inflexible thinking about complex geopolitical issues, immigration, abortion, gun control, and so much more creates conflict and impasse.  This is the thinking that fractures relationships and coalitions that make balanced and viable solutions possible.

When we dismiss others, they dismiss us.  Instead of furthering the common good through collaboration, we stimulate contempt and alienation from others by shrugging off their interests. Effective partnerships between and among people and nations are essential and  must be grounded in mutual respect. There is always more than one viewpoint on what is right or important besides our own.

Our job is to understand "the other side" and search for common ground.  Denouncing the perspectives of others and walking away from our agreements with them, while doubling down on the legitimacy of our own views, spawns the dissolution of relationships near and far.  Increasing globalization and the pressing need to build greater stability in our world demand that we all improve our skills at #listening to and caring about what each other has to say. 

Experience gained from my 30+ years practice in cognitive-behavioral psychology shows that, when given the right tools, people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional health and happiness.  At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off #anxiety, depression and addiction.  You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness.  You will also find practical #self-help strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you. 

#MentalHealth Myth Five: Just take medication

Experience gained from my 30+ years practice in cognitive-behavioral psychology shows that, when given the right tools, people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional health and happiness.

At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off #anxiety, depression and addiction.  You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness.  You will also find practical #self-help strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you. 

Myths and misunderstandings about  mental health and emotional well-being abound.  We think we can change, or we doubt real change is possible. We hear that #happiness is attainable; then we hear that it is limited by our "setpoint." 

We are told that mental health may be largely genetic and are left thinking that our emotions and behavior patterns are indelible patterns, like fixed personality traits.  We burden ourselves with the shame that these problems are somehow our fault.  We are embarrassed by emotional problems and avoid talking about them.  

If we have "issues," we see ourselves as being different from others. We try to fix ourselves with talk therapy.  We go the medication route.  Or we ignore emotional problems and our cup rarely gets above half full.  Change is too difficult, too little, impossible.  Just give me some drugs.  No medication for me thank you, medication only hides the problem.

We pay a big price because of the myths and misconceptions about happiness and emotional health.  Those who are willing to search for greater fulfillment often expend considerable time and money on the journey.  Too often, their journey is long, the road signs vague, and success limited.  Others avoid the journey altogether, staying stuck in their struggles over a lifetime. We can indeed learn how to possess good mental health, but first we must cut through the jumble of misconceptions that stand in the way.

#MentalHealth Myth Five: Just take medication.  Medication may help, but we really do need to take a careful look before we leap.  As noted in the previous blog, there is a lot more to good mental health that medication can not and will not ever fix.  

To be mentally well, we must have or acquire essential behavioral skills that engender mental health.  These skills include the ability to regulate thought and emotion, to maintain self-esteem and self-care, to promote positive mood states, and to sustain these and other adaptive behaviors over time.  The capacity to limit emotional distress, attentiveness to self-nurturance, heightened resilience and increased well-being are key indicators of good mental health. 

Pills may relieve certain symptoms, but they won't educate us. Medication will never give us the skills we need to attain good emotional health. This is precisely why current trends in healthcare, trends that promote and over rely on pharmacological and symptom-focused interventions as their fix for mental health problems, so frequently miss their mark.  

We need better answers. We need answers that fundamentally improve our ability to be healthier and happier, not ones that may only mask our problems.  In this regard, making cutting-edge, evidence-based instruction on mental health and wellness part of the regular curriculum in our schools would be a huge step forward.  For more on these topics, be sure to follow #ThinkRightFeelRight

Myth Four: Good #Mental Health equals the absence of disturbing symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and addiction.

Experience gained from my 30+ years practice in cognitive-behavioral psychology shows that, when given the right tools, people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional health and happiness.

At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off #anxiety, depression and addiction.  You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness.  You will also find practical #self-help strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you. 

Myths and misunderstandings about  mental health and emotional well-being abound.  We think we can change, or we doubt real change is possible. We hear that #happiness is attainable; then we hear that it is limited by our "setpoint." 

We are told that mental health may be largely genetic and are left thinking that our emotions and behavior patterns are indelible patterns, like fixed personality traits.  We burden ourselves with the shame that these problems are somehow our fault.  We are embarrassed by emotional problems and avoid talking about them.  

If we have "issues," we see ourselves as being different from others. We try to fix ourselves with talk therapy.  We go the medication route.  We ignore emotional problems and our cup rarely gets above half full.  Change is too difficult, too little, impossible.  Just give me some drugs.  No medication for me thank you, medication only hides the problem.

We pay a big price because of the myths and misconceptions about happiness and emotional health.  Those who are willing to search for greater fulfillment often expend considerable time and money on the journey.  Too often, their journey is long, the road signs vague, and success limited.  Others avoid the journey altogether, staying stuck in their struggles over a lifetime. We can indeed learn how to possess good mental health, but first we must cut through the jumble of misconceptions that stand in the way.

Myth Four: Good #Mental Health equals the absence of disturbing symptoms such as #anxiety, depression,  and #addiction.  Not really.  Mental health is not simply the absence of mental disorders or psychological symptoms.  Mental Health is something much more.  Being mentally well involves gaining key behavioral skills including the ability to regulate thought and emotion, maintain self-esteem and self-care, promote positive mood states, and sustain other adaptive behavior over time. Reduced emotional disturbance, attentiveness to self-nurturance, resilience and increased well-being are some of the affirmative indications of good mental health.  Stay tuned to #ThinkRightFeelRight for practical #self-help.

#MentalHealth Myth Three: "Emotional change is hard."

Experience gained from my 30+ years practice in cognitive-behavioral psychology shows that, when given the right tools, people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional health and happiness.

At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off #anxiety, depression and addiction.  You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness.  You will also find practical #self-help strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you. 

Myths and misunderstandings about  mental health and emotional well-being abound.  We think we can change, or we doubt real change is possible. We hear that #happiness is attainable; then we hear that it is limited by our "setpoint."  We are told that mental health may be largely genetic.  We are left thinking that our emotions and behavior patterns are indelible, fixed patterns like some personality traits.  We burden ourselves with the shame that our emotional problems are somehow our fault.  We are embarrassed by emotional problems and avoid talking about them.  If we have"issues," we see ourselves as being different from others.  We try to fix ourselves with talk therapy.  We go the medication route.  We ignore emotional problems and remain with our cup half full.  Change is too difficult, too little, impossible.  Just give me some drugs.  No medication for me, medication just hides the problem.

We pay a big price because of the myths and misconceptions about happiness and emotional health.  For those willing to try to improve how they feel, a lot of time and money is spent on the journey.  Too often, the journey is long, the road signs vague, and success limited.  Others avoid the journey altogether, staying stuck in their struggles over a lifetime.  We can indeed learn how to possess good mental health, but first we must cut through the jumble of misconceptions that stand in the way.

Myth Three: "Seems like it will be really hard to change myself"  Almost everyone I work with has this idea somewhere in the back of their head.  Alright, I suppose that change does look difficult when we are taught so little about how to change our emotions and behavior.  But trust me, once we find out how to do it, change is not that difficult. Change allows us to open the door to emotional fulfillment; avoiding change keeps this door locked.  More to follow here, but in the interim, #ThinkRightFeelRight   

#MentalHealth Myth Two: "If I have emotional problems, that means there is something wrong with me."

Experience gained from my 30+ years practice in cognitive-behavioral psychology shows that, when given the right tools, people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional health and happiness.

At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off #anxiety, depression and addiction.  You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness.  You will also find practical self-help strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you. 

Myths and misunderstandings about  mental health and emotional well-being abound.  We think we can change, or we doubt real change is possible. We hear that #happiness is attainable; then we hear that it is limited by our "setpoint."  We are told that mental health may be largely genetic.  We are left thinking that our emotions and behavior patterns are indelible, fixed patterns like some personality traits.  We burden ourselves with the shame that our emotional problems are somehow our fault.  We are embarrassed by emotional problems and avoid talking about them.  If we have"issues," we see ourselves as being different from others.  We try to fix ourselves with talk therapy.  We go the medication route.  We ignore emotional problems and our cup rarely gets above half full.  Change is too difficult, too little, impossible.  Just give me some drugs.  No medication for me, medication just hides the problem.


We pay a big price because of the myths and misconceptions about happiness and emotional health.  For those willing to try, a lot of time and money are spent on the journey.  Too often, the journey is long, the road signs vague, and success limited.  Others avoid the journey altogether, staying stuck in their struggles over a lifetime.  We can indeed learn how to possess good mental health, but first we must cut through the jumble of misconceptions that stand in the way.

Myth two: "If I have emotional problems, that means there is something wrong with me."  Not so quick.  Maybe we are not very good at bowling or chess either.  Should we conclude that there is something wrong with us?  As I mentioned previously, most of us learn very little about mental health or the best ways to improve it.  So it should come as no surprise that we may have "issues."  We are not taught the "emotional A game," so to speak.  But should we all line up for psychiatric intervention, or can we simply learn what's necessary to feel well. How sad and wrong-headed it is that we continue to stigmatize people with mental health issues and vastly overplay the idea that they have medical disorders. 

Emotional proficiency requires skill.  For example, the ability to reliably regulate thoughts and emotions and posess intrinsic #SelfEsteem. Recognize that those who taught us probably were not experts in such matters, so we often lack these skills.   In the meanwhile, we need to lighten up. Stop making ourselves  feel bad if we are not bowling or behavioral health experts.  If your emotional expertise isn't all that great, you share company with most people.  More important, If you would like to improve your emotional well-being (and most would benefit by doing so), you can ... and no, it's really not difficult.  More on this last point next time. Stay with #ThinkRightFeelRight.Net

#MentalHealth Myth One: "It's not something I can change, I have tried before."

Sadly, our notions about whether we can actually change who we are, about how much lasting change is possible, and about the best ways to improve mental health are all over the map.  We are exposed to widely divergent theories and persistent misconceptions about mental health. Far too often, the focus is on diagnosis and treatment of mental problems rather than methods that actually improve mental health.   Small wonder that the path to better mental health and happiness is so clouded and uncertain.

We think we can change, or we doubt real change is possible. We hear that #happiness is attainable; then we hear that it is limited to our "setpoint."  We are told that mental health may be largely genetic.  We are left thinking that our emotions and behavior patterns are indelible, fixed patterns like some personality traits.  We burden ourselves with the thought and shame that our emotional problems are the result of some deficiency in us that we are responsible for. We are embarrassed by our emotional problems and prefer not to even talk about them. We look upon ourselves as different if we have "issues."  We try to fix ourselves with talk therapy.  We go the medication route.  We ignore emotional problems and our cup never gets above half full.  Change is too difficult, too little, too impossible. Just give me some drugs. Drugs just hide the problem, I don't want any.

We pay a big price because of the myths and misconceptions about mental health. For those willing to try, a lot of time and money is spent on the journey.  Too often, the journey is long, the road signs vague, and success limited.  Others avoid the journey altogether; they stay stuck in their struggles and #happiness is forestalled over a lifetime.  We can indeed learn how to possess good mental health, but first we must cut through the jumble of misconceptions that stand in the way.

Myth One: "It's not something I can change, I have tried before."  Not so.   We are unlikely to have success doing something until we acquire the necessary skills. Most of us learn very little about mental health or how to improve it. So, when we try to improve in this area and don't succeed, we may mistakenly conclude that we can't change.  Actually, we can change, we can improve happiness and mental health, when we take the opportunity to learn how. Stay tuned for more #self-help strategies at #ThinkRightFeelRight

Do You Believe You Can Really Change Who You Are?

So, do you think you can really change yourself?   A very important question since how we answer it determines the outcome.  A prerequisite for successful behavior change is the belief that we can change, or at least the willingness to try.

Some think they can change, some think they can't, and some are on the fence about it.  Unfortunately, those who stay anchored to the belief that they really can't change are pretty much stuck with the default settings they have for what they think, how they feel, and how they function. Too often, these default settings are far from good enough.

Perhaps there are a few people whose blessed lives leave little need for improvement. Lucky for them I suppose, but there are so many more whose lives would vastly improve if  they were open and able to change.  Addictions, depression, anxieties, insecurities could be put behind them; the comforts of self-esteem, genuine peace of mind and happiness made part of everyday life.

There is a very fundamental reason why so many struggle emotionally, but don't change:  The reason is that we are not taught how to change behavior proficiently, especially emotional behavior. So, if we are unable to experience well-being and happiness, chances are we never learned how to because we were never taught.  Ask yourself, did your schooling include any courses (even one) on mental or emotional health?  Most important, did you learn how to regulate your thoughts and emotions so you could control the way you feel?  My sense is that many people are not even aware that this is possible.  Were they hoping we would learn this stuff by the seat of our pants?

I found I couldn't even swing a tennis racket very well until I took some tennis lessons.  Certainly mental health is no gimme; it is not something we are born with, and  it is not something that just develops on its own.  Since what we learn and don't learn decisively affects our capacity to be well emotionally, educational programs need to be in the business of instilling behavior competencies that build emotional health.  How sad it is that we still do not have a standardized curriculum for mental health in our classrooms.  Like tennis and so much more in life, we can't be very good at these things without the opportunity to develop the necessary skills..

If we struggle, but are fearful about change, we resist it.  But once we learn how to go about it, changing becomes relatively easy, a valued asset rather than something to fear. We are then able to use this knowledge to optimize and maintain emotional adjustment and well-being.  In future posts, I intend to sort through and demolish, one by one,  the erroneous notions and beliefs that keep us from realizing growth and happiness. Stay tuned for more practical  #self-help at #ThinkRightFeelRight

It Pays To Be Mindful About What You Think!

A point from my last post bears repeating: "Over a lifetime, the impact of some mental scripts on our emotional health and well-being can be telling and dramatic: lives haunted by mindsets generative of anxiety, depression and addiction or lives enriched by self-awareness and fertile for positivity and prosperity."

For many, but especially for women, commonplace scripts about how they should think and  behave overtax physical and emotional health, causing stress, health issues, bouts of depression and anxiety, and reduced quality of life.

These troublesome thought patterns are difficult to detect.  Our thoughts become so routine that they go unnoticed   Even if we become aware, we may view this thinking as  "normal" because it seems like the norm in the world around us. To avoid their life long tolls however, we need to root out the toxic scripts that vanquish us.  

Here are a few of the troublemakers:

Example 1: "I feel I must be a very good wife, mother, mother-in-law, daughter, daughter-in-law, partner, friend, worker, churchgoer, housekeeper, gardener, and did I mention, slim and trim?" You get the idea, I have to be good at everything, or I'm not good enough. 

The script has lots of variations, but the end result is the same: a life snared in pressure-driven overfunctioning to always be good enough.  Where did I come by the idea that I have to be so good at everything I do to feel good about myself?  More important, isn't there a better way for me?

Example 2  "I guess I am pretty hard on myself, but I have always been this way.  Aren't most people? Big trouble here. This kind of thinking not only strips away the well from well-being, it fuels self-alienation and insecurity whenever we come up a little short.  Resilience and self-esteem really suffer when we come down or ourselves. Take note that people who battle addiction and depression are known to be especially hard on themselves.  Being tough on ourselves is an option, not a requirement. We can choose other ways to accept or improve upon our limitations that don't jeopardize well-being.

Example 3.  "It really bothers me that she acted like that, but I really don't like to hurt someone's feelings, so I didn't say anything."  Yes, it is nice to be nice, but silencing ourselves to avoid trouble often causes more trouble.  We internalize our problems rather than deal with them.  Problems and resentments pile up. Scripts that muffle our voice also muffle happiness.  Assertiveness is a life skill well worth cultivating. 

Choose to follow scripts that safeguard your emotional health. We don't have to be perfect all the time; we don't have to be so hard on ourselves, and nice does not have to include forfeiting our voice.  Remember to stay tuned to #ThinkRightFeelRight for more useful #self-help

Mindsets: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

My last post talked about "reality" and some of our views on it.  I cautioned, "look before you leap" when it comes to settling in on viewpoints about life.  Our acquired mindsets about life carry with them potential for great benefit as well as cost.

Our mindsets are composed of  various notions (beliefs and ideas) that we have acquired over time. Some of these ideas were formed at home or in school while we were growing up; some the product of further education, as well as various cultural, institutional and societal influences.

Much of the content of what we think is the end product of where we were born, how we were raised, and the experience we did and did not have.  Ideas get into our heads by design and default, for better and for worse, often staying with us and influencing our feelings and reactions over a lifetime.

Many things about who we are, both large and small, may be hinged to the winds of circumstance: whether I am Republican or Democrat; liberal, or conservative; devoutly religious, spiritual, neither; optimistic or pessimistic; nuts about sweet potatoes or maybe nuts in general!

The scripts in our mind govern and influence much of what we do and feel, regardless of how they got there or whether they help or hinder.  They allow us to assert, or keep us from asserting. They enable us to be happy or keep us from it.

Scripts matter.  Optimists rarely experience bad days, pessimists seldom have good ones.  For some, being "right" about an issue trumps being respectful; for others, being respectful comes first. Romantics endorse scripts that adorn reality; Realists strip it down.  Some are reflexively "hard" on themselves, others not so much.

Over a lifetime, the impact of these acquired scripts on our emotional health and well-being can be telling and dramatic: lives haunted by mindsets generative of anxiety, depression and addiction or lives enriched by self-awareness and fertile for positivity and prosperity.

The default settings for our mindset need to be examined and adjusted from time to time.  Sort and sift through the scripts; delete notions and viewpoints which impede happiness and prosperity, and add those which better yours and others. Take an active role in shaping and directing the realities you elect to endorse in your world so they help maximize prosperity and well-being.  Remember to stay tuned to #ThinkRightFeelRight for more useful #self-help

Brushes With Reality and Mental Health: Look Before You Leap

Experience gained from my 30+ years  in practice as a cognitive-behavioral psychologist shows that with the right tools people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional well-being and happiness. 

At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off anxiety, depression and addiction.  You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness.  You will also find practical strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you. 

Reality and Mental Health: We readily come by the idea that "being in touch with reality" is a pretty important thing.  The word on the street as well as the psychiatrist's office is that we had better be in touch with reality. The message all around us is: keep your head anchored to reality or risk becoming unhinged!  And there we have it, a concise, easy-to-remember strategy for living life while not losing our marbles.

Realists lead the charge with Existentialists not far behind.  Avid realists insist that we see the world for what it is.  So all I need to do is see things the way they are.  OK, but what way is that?  Should I just try to see things the way others do, a few others, a lot of others?  How do I do that?  How do I know if they are even in touch with reality, if they agree on it—or, God forbid, they all  do agree and think that 9/11 was some kind of government conspiracy?

We seem to do a little better with reality when we focus on physical events such as the amount of local rainfall, the magnitude of earth tremors, the average number of hair follicles on the human thumb or how many pledged delegates Senator Ted Cruz has.  Once we move past the empirical however, reality starts to get slippery, skewed by our perceptual and cognitive frames of reference.

Realities involve meanings, and meanings come from the thoughts and beliefs that we have learned to attach to circumstance.  Realities differ.  My reality may be: "life is what you make it." For someone else, its all about "being at the right place at the right time."  I don't think I share many of the realities of ISIS fighters but,  I suppose they would say the same about me.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, true and not so much anymore.  Many realities are anchored in points of view, in our perspectives.  They come and some go away; some help and some hinder.  They form our mindsets about the world—our working theories about things.  

In an attempt to get on the right side of truth and reality, Realists tell us to strip away idealism, romanticism, and positivity from the pages of life's book.  Look at the world the way it really is. Perhaps they find comfort in the belief that they are getting closer to the truths about reality when they strip it down. Unfortunately, realists often get stuck in their realism, believing that it is realistic to think and feel a certain way when such and such happens. They may contend that it is only natural to be sad when your team loses, or say,  "let's be realistic, life is really not a picnic.  Life sucks and I can prove it." What is inescapably true (realistic) about such viewpoints is that those who hold them create a self-fulfilling reality: for them, life does suck.

We need to be cautious, mindful and flexible regarding the views we hold about reality (if there even is one we might know).  Remember this: not only do we own our viewpoints on reality, but they also own us. They let us see and experience things one way but maybe not another way. They help us to see, and they keep us from seeing. Our views about what is real make us happy or miserable.

Too often our sense of reality is shaped more  by the vagaries of circumstance than by us.  Did you form your reality, or did others have a heavy hand?  What would your reality be if you were born and raised in a different time or raised somewhere far away?  Your reality rests upon what you learned, the sources and circumstances, and, of course, what you didn't learn.

It is important to realize that you can author and reauthor how you want to look at your world.  You can create, shape and reshape your realities.  By taking an active hand in assessing the merits of various points of view and notions about reality, you can choose those that strengthen  prosperity and well-being for you and others. You can guide rather than follow "truths and realities" delivered by the winds of circumstance.  By being an active and mindful author and editor of your thoughts on reality, you bolster, rather than limit, opportunities for a fulfilling and mentally healthy life.

Tools And Techniques For Mental Health And Happiness - The Fast Track For Behavior Change: Corrective Cognitions

Experience gained from my 30+ years  in practice as a cognitive-behavioral psychologist shows that with the right tools people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional well-being and happiness. 

At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off anxiety, depression and addiction.  You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness.  You will also find practical strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you. 

Why Do Corrective Cognitions Fast Track Behavior Change?  Corrective cognitions change thoughts and, thoughts control behavior.  So, when we use a corrective cognition to change the way we think about something, we change the behavior and feelings that are controlled by this thinking.  If I decide to like catsup, I will feel better about catsup and probably buy and eat more of it.

When we change our thoughts (cognitions), we change.  If I think pitbulls are dangerous, I will be afraid of them and want to avoid them.  A useful corrective cognition in this instance might be, "These dogs have gotten a bad rap.  If they are treated well, they are usually very sweet."  Next thing you know, I might have a pitbull of my own!

We accelerate behavior change by improving the way we think with corrective cognitions.  Losing weight is easier, and more likely, if I think, "I want to be trim and healthy," rather than, "I guess I will have to go on another diet." Improving the way we think, replacing problematic thoughts with better ones, greatly improves our success rate for behavior change and happiness. Remember to stay tuned to #ThinkRightFeelRight for more practical #self-help

How To Lock In Behavior Change: What Does Love Have To Do With It? Part 3

Experience gained from my 30+ years  in practice as a cognitive-behavioral psychologist shows that with the right tools people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional well-being and happiness. 

At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off anxiety, depression and addiction.  You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness.  You will also find practical strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you. 

How to Lock In Behavior Change.  Sadly, as New Year's resolutions have shown, good intentions are often ineffective strategies for behavior change.  If we want to succeed at our efforts to lose weight, stop worry, be on time, or acquire self-esteem, we need to follow a strategy that promotes effective follow through. To lock in more successful change, I encourage people to create and follow a six-step plan.  A six-step plan clarifies the necessary elements for behavior change and locks in the essential follow through that is needed for success.  

A six-step plan assures more reliable improvement in self-esteem. Preparing a good plan entails developing clear answers for each of the following: who is responsible, what is the desired behavior, when will it occur, where will it occur, how often will it occur, is the goal attained, and finally, did I miss any steps today.  

So, if I want to improve my self-esteem with a corrective cognition, my six-step plan might look something like this:

1) I will think,

2) I am fully committed to love myself, unconditionally, forever

3) Ten times a day.

4) Prompting this thought each time I use the stairs,

5) For 30 days, or until this new way of thinking becomes my

    customary way of thinking about myself,

6) And, at the end of each day, I will check to make sure that I
    completed my six-step plan and, if not, I will complete steps 2
    and 3 before I go to bed tonight.   

The idea behind  using six-step plans is to make sure that we  have thought through the details about behavior change  and that we are following through on them correctly.  Step 2 highlights the precise wording of the corrective cognition.  Step 6 is there to prevent slippage or failure through oversight. These techniques are discussed in greater detail in Think Right, Feel Right .  

Remember to stay tuned to #ThinkRightFeelRight for more practical #self-help

      

The CBT Tool Set For Self Love: What's Love Got To Do With It? (Part 2)

Experience gained from a 30+ year practice  as a cognitive-behavioral psychologist shows that with the right tools people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional well-being and happiness.  At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off anxiety, depression and addiction. You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness. You will also find practical strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you.

Fixing Intrinsic Self-Esteem.  In yesterday's post, I heralded the importance of self love for mental health and happiness. Self-love is the mainstay for emotional health.  Many walk the planet without nearly enough self-esteem and pay a heavy price for doing so. Because self love and self-esteem are so vital to emotional health, I discuss these topics in depth in Think Right, Feel Right.  Today, I want to suggest a good starting point for improving self love or intrinsic self-esteem: the corrective cognition.

I use the term, corrective cognition,  to refer to a new thought or belief that is designed to correct the way we think, feel, and behave. For example, if I worry about taking tests, a corrective cognition might be, "No sense worrying about it.  I will prepare for the test and just do the best I can."  Since self-love, self-esteem, and self-nurturance are all rooted in thought, you can use corrective cognitions to change and improve the way you think about them and thereby elevate your self-worth, self-esteem and  inclination to be more self-nurturing.

An example of a corrective cognition for self love is: "I am fully committed to deeply love myself, unconditionally, forever." This thought may sound strange.  It does sound strange to those who are not accustomed to thinking about themselves in this way. However, this new way of thinking has helped to inflate thousands of emotional flat tires!

Corrective cognitions only work if we use them.  If we drop the ball, and do not give ourselves the chance to endorse the new corrective cognition, we lose out on our hopes for change.  As a remedy for this problem, I developed something I call a six-step plan.  The six-step plan encourages proper follow through and promotes successful change.  I will discuss this concept in a future post. Remember to stay tuned to #ThinkRightFeelRight for more practical #self-help

#Mental Health and #Happiness: What's #Love Got To Do With It? (Part 1)

Experience gained from my 30+ years in practice as a cognitive-behavioral psychologist shows that with the right tools people readily learn to elevate and maintain emotional well-being and happiness. At the Think Right Feel Right Blogoscope you will find the behavioral tools and techniques that help to ward off anxiety, depression and addiction. You will learn about ways to defeat troubling emotions such as anger, worry and sadness. You will also find practical strategies for increasing self-esteem, positivity and for being a happier you.

So what does love have to do with mental health and happiness?  Love has a great deal to do with it and so do you.  You need it and, you need to be doing it:  You need to love you!

Notice, I did not say: like you, try to love you, love you sometimes,  love you somewhat, or let someone else do it for you.  No, it is really important for you to love you,  no "ifs," no "buts," and no "maybes."  Do it right.  Go all in, no stutter-stepping.

Strong and unwavering self love creates essential emotional resources: it authenticates and deepens self-esteem;  it promotes proper caring and self-nurturance, and it strengthens personal security and resilience.  These are the essential ingredients for emotional health.  When self love is weak, we lack these essential  resources, and our mental health and happiness suffer.

If you think I might be overstating the importance of self-love, keep this in mind:  In over 30 years of private practice work, all or almost all of my clients were lacking in the ability to love themselves correctly, lacking in the ability to self-nurture correctly, and not surprisingly, symptomatic and unhappy as a result.

If you didn't learn how to love yourself enough while you were growing up (sadly, many have not), you owe it to yourself to learn how to do so now. Your emotional health and happiness depend upon it. 

Remember to stay tuned to #ThinkRightFeelRight for more practical #self-help

A Promising Path Forward To Improved #Mental Health and #Happiness: #CBT Based Emotional Education

CBT-based emotional education holds great promise for helping us achieve lasting improvements in mental health and happiness. With these thoughts in mind, I decided to write a practical guide that fulfills this promise. Think Right, Feel Right is the finished product. Step-by-step, the guide provides readers with a clear understanding of the cutting-edge ideas and behavioral tools that empower emotional health and happiness, and the skills needed to use these ideas and tools effectively.  

Think Right, Feel Right, The Building Block Guide for Happiness & Emotional Well-Being Is available in print and digital formats. In addition to English, you can now find published translations in Spanish, Korean and Romanian. To find out more about this book, preview it online at Amazon.com.

I hope you will visit this blog often to view more posts relating to emotional health education and happiness.

Ten Tips For Improving Your Aim At #Love and #Happiness On #Valentine's Day And Beyond

Love seems like a very timely subject for a post just before Valentine's Day.  In no particular order, here are a few thoughts about launching cupid's arrow.

1)  Love begins where need stops; love is more about giving than needing.

2)  Loving yourself allows you to give love that you possess rather than need the love you lack.

3)  Too often," I love you" means I need you to love me because I don't know how.

4)  Love is best when it is freely given; it can be given freely only if it is yours.

5)  If someone loves you more than you do, you won't have room for all of theirs.

5)  Knowing how to love yourself improves your ability to know how to love others.

6)  Loving yourself doesn't make you selfish, it helps to keep you from behaving selfishly.

7)  Developing true self-esteem helps you to pass it along to the next generation.

8) When we don't have enough love of our own we search for more, often leaving behind those who love us.

9) Knowing how to love yourself helps you to see more clearly if others do.

10) To improve your aim at loving others, be sure not to miss yourself.

Stuck With The Happiness We Have ... Or With Another Bad Theory?

The notion that there is a set point for happiness implies that even when we experience increases (or decreases) in happiness, they are  only temporary and, we will eventually return to our baseline, our set point.  Long story short, we are being told that happiness doesn't change that much over time. We are likely to be stuck with what we have, or don't have.

Is it such a the big deal if our happiness is "fixed" like other traits, as some say?  Well, what kind of life will there be for those who don't know happiness or don't experience enough of it?   Tough luck for them I suppose.  What about if I have always been a little bit happy, but never really happy, at least not for very long?  Am I out of luck too?  What can I do as a  parent if happiness is just something children are born with or maybe not so much?  How can we possibly claim that our mental health interventions are effective if we can't even fix happiness (don't know how to fix happiness, or believe it can't be fixed)?  If we can't make lasting improvements in happiness, why waste so much time and money trying?  This is pretty troubling news.

Maybe we had better take a second look at our ideas about happiness.  I would like to use basketball as an analogy.  Let's say I am a short basketball player, about five feet nine inches tall, averaging eight points a game.  I score more points when I play against shorter or less skilled players, less against really good teams or teams with really tall players.  Overall though, I average about eight points a game.  So, if I go along playing basketball without growing taller, should I buy into this idea that my average probably is my set point?  Is eight points a game, like happiness, about it for me?

Suppose I had the opportunity to enroll in a quality sports education program.  I learned better ball handling, worked on my jump shot, and honed my skills at the foul line.  I'll bet I could better my old average and knock this set point idea for a loop.

Unfortunately and sadly, set point thinking reinforces beliefs that our happiness "average" is fixed, something we can't do much about.  At one time, our thinking that the world was flat was fixed.  So, we believed we could not do much about that either.

Give me a brake!  I know that most of  my clients report and evidence that their happiness average has improved substantially and, I am sure that this is true for others as well.  A more likely and better explanation of this set point  position is that our happiness only appears to be set because we lack the emotional education that would enable us to change it.

So let's not get bogged down here in yet another ill-guided theory of why we can't improve our happiness and well-being.  Instead, all of us, especially parents, educators, and therapists, need to upgrade our training, skills, and tools so that we can and do better our averages for happiness. In the meantime, for happiness sake, don't fall in love this set-point thinking.